Thank you so much for stopping by! I’m honored that you’re taking time out of your day to see what I’m up to and creating. I hope you find something here that catches your eye and encourages your heart.
Much Love.
-Aletheia
I have a story…
I’d like to call this a health-foodie story… it’s magical and miraculous, and I want to share it because it’s changing the dynamic of our family, and most importantly… my son’s life.
As a newbie and tiny one, he nursed constantly… but as soon as we started introducing food, he was never very interested. We’ve had little moments, glimmers of hope here and there that maybe he’d finally start eating. Maybe he’s “just a toddler” and it’ll get better one day. Maybe the healthy options (and even not perfectly healthy options) that I put in front of him would finally be ingested… OFTEN they were not.
To paint a picture of the extremity … he would essentially lick or VERY LITERALLY take 2 bites of his meals all day. This does not equate to proper nutrition. He’s small, and has other nominal little issues that cause us stress, but generally he’s been very healthy … except for his extreme anti-food-ism, if you will.
In the past we’ve had full on screaming matches between the 3 of us trying to get him to eat food, and to figure him out. I’ve cried, prayed, been confused, compared his eating to other kids who “don’t eat much either” but after awhile it all wore on me … the realities within your 4 walls can conquer you if you let them. And one area of health that I care A LOT about is the quality and quantity of food that my family ingests… I’ve made him plenty of nutrient dense dishes, but if he never eats them it’s all for nothing… and it’s felt that way a lot.
I’ve said with honesty (on more than one occasion) that he is anorexic … I’ve said that about a tiny child… I’ve said about MY tiny child, and I’ve said it because it’s been TRUE, very often …until this month.
The Fall of 2018 has very unexpectedly changed our lives as a family. Here’s what’s been happening …
A few weeks ago, after observing some pretty obvious and serious digestive issues, we started looking into why these issues might be presenting themselves “more loudly” you could say, than they have in the past. My husband and I both started doing a little reading, and my gut and curiosity led me to celiac disease (or at least a gluten intolerance). So we decided that we’d take it out of his diet and see what happened….
I wasn’t prepared for the beauty that would unfold …
I had very little expectations, other than hoping it would regulate his digestion and he’d renormalize a bit. What I didn’t expect was his ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD AND THE INTAKE OF FOOD TO CHANGE. And change it has my friends!!!
My child is eating, TRULY EATING for the first time in his 3 short years. The quantity and quality of food that he’s taking in, is unlike anything he has ever displayed!!! Here’s some of the highlights…
1. 8am he wakes up saying “I’m really hungry Mommy!!!” and essentially pushes me out of bed to go make him food. This has NEVER happened!
2. He’s said things like “oooo I love pineapple!” “I love meatballs!” “I’m still really hungry” “oh yay!!!” (when I tell him what I’m making for dinner). “I see those eggs, I want to eat them!!!” “My stomach feels better.” Followed by more “I’m getting hungry” and “I’m still hungry”… as he more willingly runs to the table to eat, and stays at the table for a longer stretch of time.
Friends, this is literally UNREAL. And it started within about 4 days of removing 98% of the gluten from his diet. For the first couple weeks I still let him have little tastes of things with gluten here and there because I didn’t want to completely freak out, and in turn completely freak him out, making him dislike the whole concept.
Within a few short weeks he’s totally on board and now kindly asks “is this gluten free?” when eating😍
I’d like to particularly THANK and give a lot of love to the following business for making this transition easy for us. I’ve listed an item next to each biz that we’ve particularly enjoyed, and has allowed him to still have some treats!😊
@traderjoes (organic rice penne pasta)
@wholefoods (GF soft bake chocolate chip cookies)
@modpizza (GF PIZZA CRUST!!!)
@fantasycupcake (GF cake pops and cookies)
@cherbourgbakery (GF donuts)
All of these places have provided us with options that have made the changes for him almost unnoticeable. Seriously, thank you!!!
I am still IN AWE that we were surprisingly brought to this path, and I’m so thankful that God is very obviously healing and nourishing my child… with such a simple change that’s presenting a miraculous impact.
I’d love to hear your stories about diet change and how it’s positively impacted you and your family, and I can’t wait to share more of our journey as it unfolds ❤️
Much love,
-Ali
I originally published this story on our home-building site http://www.smalltownhouse.wordpress.com but wanted to share it here too, if you’d like to follow our house journey and learn a little more about us! 🙂
I was just sitting here in our tiny apartment, and I started to cry and pray all at once…
The adrenaline is fading, and the realities of what I’ve witnessed since last Thursday are sinking in…. so I wanted to properly write about what has happened. Our house is standing… after 5 days. It’s real… OUR HOUSE IS STANDING AFTER 5 DAYS!!! We are truly awestruck. We are excited, humbled, amazed, filled with JOY, thankful, and deeply grateful. I’ve just realized that the amount of DAYS that God orchestrated this build correlates exactly to the number of YEARS that we generally say we were “house hunting.” The amount of dreams crushed and tears cried in 5 years (in relation to house hunting, and many other life changes… like pregnancy and parenthood) are innumerable. We often felt lost in our house story, as I’ve shared before. We constantly tried to “check” our attitudes about why we wanted to move… we (probably weekly) said things like…
“We don’t actually NEED more space.”
“We need to check our opinions on wants vs. needs.”
“It’s an American ideology that we have to have a certain number of square feet, and a yard.”
“We currently live in more square footage than a large portion of the world, why complain!?”
“We are content… but it’d be cool to have a yard.”
“We are content… but it’d be nice to be in community with more people, and truly know our neighbors.”
“We are content, but it’d be amazing to be within walking distance of a vibrant little town… and good coffee.”
“We are content, but it’d be awesome to be able to host more people, for play-dates, small groups, etc.”
“We are content.”
“We NEED nothing more” …
but still…
We dreamed and had visions… and it was within our hearts, for various reasons, to keep searching.
We never imagined that THIS is what God would orchestrate. I’ve always heard people tell of God’s workings in their every day lives, in the details and specifics. But I have never felt that truth at this level before. The entire painting that he’s working on has been greatly revealed for the last 5 days while watching these Amish men (and boys, some are only teenagers!) WORK. This work is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Their strength, focus, attention to detail, and humility have been one of the most incredible blessings that we have ever received. This morning they (and their kind drivers) got up at 4am to travel to Yoder Lumber to get our porch roofing materials. They started working on our place around 7:30am and STAYED past their normal work hours to complete our entire roof, install our windows, build a large portion of our porch, and probably make a thousand tiny adjustments that we’ll never know about. I could tell they were really tired (and that’s saying a lot because they were essentially superhuman, haha).
When they were about to leave Andy, the leader of the crew, said “Well, is it what you were thinking?” and I got to tell him not only how truly incredible we think the house is, but also how their work has been a HUGE testimony to everyone watching in our neighborhood… and many have watched and chatted with us along the way! 🙂 I told him that they had set us up to continue that testimony and that God would use it in our son’s life, and for our church. I told him that “It was more than just a house” and he agreed.
Three years ago I couldn’t breathe, and I wanted to die…
I know that someone… maybe many…need to hear this story. I hope that it brings healing to as many as possible.
When John and I first found out I was having a baby, I had an incredible sense of awe and felt extremely relaxed, blessed, and at peace. We were amazed, excited, and I was scared… in a healthy way to begin with. Would the baby be OK? What should I eat? What shouldn’t I eat? What Dr. should we use? Should I do prenatal yoga? All of my initial anxieties and questions were pretty standard, but in November of 2014 that all changed…I changed…and I never imagined that I would be brought out of the darkness. Panic became my life, and remained my life for a very long time.
If you’ve known me for any length of time, I think I you would probably categorize me as a really happy person. I have always loved people, and wanted the people around me to feel loved, included, and valuable. I’ve tried to encourage people, be a really good friend, and a good Christian. But 3 years ago my spirit, and the gifts/talents that God has given me were robbed for a season. My soul was bankrupt. and I didn’t understand. I saw no hope, and no end to the pain. I thought that my life was completely over and that I would never be myself again.
I sincerely believed I would never feel strong, beautiful, relaxed, or happy…ever. This pain was more than I could have ever imagined I would endure or experience in life… and I was very confused and angry with God. I often thought “If He is my Father, and I am allegedly His beloved child, then why was He allowing this?… If He is truly my refuge and strength, then why do I feel completely abandoned. If He could take this all away immediately… why wouldn’t He?” I did not trust Him, and my heart continued to fail.
In the midst of my pain, I had so much guilt about the fact that other people had it “way worse” than me. I was destroyed mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically but even then… when I was already THAT broken … the darkness was not finished with me…it crept in again… covering my pain with guilt.
OCD covered in fear was my specific brand of pain, others have their own…and the father of lies himself knows exactly how to destroy us on an extremely cellular level. He is meticulous in the ways he attempts to destroy us. He saw MY SPECIFIC brokenness, MY insecurities, MY anxieties (compiled across 28 years of life) and he sought to take my life… just like the Bible says… and he almost did.
I was sick, and I was not getting better.
The worst fact is that amidst all of this madness, I had another soul growing within me. A helpless, beautiful little person that I wanted to protect… I WANTED TO PROTECT… (that was part of the problem, it was often about me… my strength, and my control, not God’s).
Throughout pregnancy I was obsessed with doing everything perfectly so that I would in no way harm our baby. I was scared to eat anything wrong, do anything wrong, or contract some kind of illness. Because of this obsession, every day beginning in November of 2014 until Eli’s due date, I hoped that I would not wake up. I hoped that God would somehow save our baby, but that I would no longer be alive. I was convinced that I could never be normal again… that this CONSTANT pain and extreme, debilitating worry would never leave me. That my body and mind would literally never be able to un-learn the panic that became my every day normal. I didn’t want this to be my life… this wasn’t supposed to be my life… and I was unrecognizable to my own eyes when I looked in the mirror. I prayed for death, almost daily.
My worries started getting progressively more intense…so many of my friends had lost babies, would that be my story? Was I going to catch some kind of horrifying disease and make John sick or our baby sick? These questions enveloped me. I was specifically obsessed with the idea that I might become ill, ill with something that would hurt John or our baby, and it would all be my fault. Everything terrified me, and eventually I didn’t really leave our house. I wanted to do everything I could to protect the life within me. The OCD led to panic attacks, debilitating anxiety, and I eventually hated living in this constant state of worry.
I sat in prenatal appointments talking with the midwives about whether or not I needed to take medication. I questioned how I would be able to take care of another person if I couldn’t even function on my own. But, the thought of the meds harming my child kept me from filling the prescription… and I also hoped that I’d wake up one day and it would all be gone and I’d somehow be myself again.
So many people spoke truth into my soul… it didn’t matter. I read my Bible, but it rarely encouraged me… it often made me more angry than encouraged. I prayed, and God appeared to be silent. I was predominantly inconsolable… so what was I supposed to do?
Finally, it was labor day. The day my son was born, healthy and strong… literally SINGING his first “cry”… it was amazing. Within hours almost all of my anxiety dissipated. I thought I was free, I was hopeful and thanked God for those moments days and weeks because it didn’t last long.
When my baby was about 5 weeks old things got worse, and stayed that way until August of 2015. I mourned our pre-parent life, I missed time with John, I just wanted to sleep for more than 2 hours (I’ve now realized that sleep deprivation alone was one of the main factors to my relapse). I wanted to remember to eat. I wanted to be able to cook, go to the bathroom, and shower without someone (a very tiny someone) screaming at the top of their lungs. I was mad that nursing was hard, and took forever. I was angry that we couldn’t ever watch a movie, or just exist without heightened stress throughout our bodies. John and I were so collectively exhausted and I felt completely numb and worthless. I thought John ( and my baby) deserved someone better. I could vividly imagine other (“better”) people marrying John and raising our child after I was gone… I thought John and our son (and everyone) would be much better with out me… I truly believed this. So again, I hoped that the anxiety would somehow take me so that I didn’t have to live this surreal, unexpected life of panic and depression.
But finally… somehow, in some way, through a series of events that I can’t even fully articulate… HEALING began. As I started healing physically from labor (I hope more people will speak very candidly to new Mom’s about how much your body may go though during labor…it’s insane). But, as I began healing from labor… I began to start healing mentally. This then led to more emotional healing, and finally spiritual healing.
So WHY did this happen? Well…I don’t know if I’ll ever receive that answer in full, but…….
I now understand hopelessness, despair, suffering, and pain far more than I ever could have before.
I never could have imagined that I would come to the place of wanting my life to end. But I did, and in that place, the darkest place I have ever been ….finally LIGHT, the light of healing from God began to shine and transform this life of madness back to something that sort of felt like my life.
A few months into recovery I realized that things that would have crushed me and resulted in me calling my Mom to immediately come over or for John to take off a few days of work to be with me, I could process and work through because I knew that God could handle them and if they were not handled in the way I wanted them to be handled … then I could work through all of the emotions in a healthier way.
I am not perfectly healed (are any of us ever perfectly healed of our imperfect state?) But I no longer hate myself and my life, and for the first time in years (even going back way before my baby’s birth)… I am feeling like myself and our life is more recognizable to me… a much better version even, than it has ever been.
Please hear this, if my story resonates with you… if you are struggling with pain, OCD, panic attacks, debilitating anxiety, severe depression… YOU ARE NOT ALONE and you are not worthless…. You are valuable, and precious, and your life and soul matter more than I can ever express to you. You are enough for your family, and you can heal (even though that may sound like a lie to you right now).
I’m asking you to please tell someone your fears and needs, ask for help, seek a deeper relationship with God, surround yourself with people who love you and are dedicated to your healing (instead of isolating yourself as the darkness would like). RUN FROM DARKNESS, fight for your life with all that you have in you, and on the days when you can’t move and you can’t breathe… remember again that you are not alone! Remember that I care about you and have shared in this pain. Know that you are loved. Know that God has not abandoned you forever, even if feels like He has. Know that when people lovingly tell you that this is a “season” and it can’t last forever, that they are not liars. Know that healing will come, but that it will take time. Know that I do not have all of the answers and neither do you, but that God wins. He will win your soul, He will cover the voice of your fears with truth and they will finally be hard to hear… they will be silenced, and one day truth will be the loudest voice.
Friends, if you have ever been encouraged by ANYTHING I have ever posted during pregnancy, or since my Bear was born… if you have ever seen beauty, joy, or peace represented through photos I’ve shared or words that I’ve written… it is because of JESUS. He is the reason that I am ALIVE today. He is the reason that our child has a beautiful soul… it is God… it is not from us. We are broken and He is the healer. I still struggle, I will always struggle with certain anxieties, but I now know that they cannot last forever (nothing lasts forever) and that most of them are rooted in complete lies.
God always wins.
Healing will finally take place (although it is slow, it is still in process) and the fact that I’m physically sitting here typing any of this is proof of that.
I’m sending love and prayers to every soul that feels broken beyond mending. You are SEEN, you are LOVED, and you MATTER to me and the God who created you.
“O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” (1 Corinthians 15:55)
“But, thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Corinthians 15:57)
“For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen” (Matthew 6:14)
-Ali Patrick
Aletheia Patrick Photography 